Bellingham Unitarian Fellowship
Chalice Circle topic
for October, 2014
Friendship
Adapted from Rev. Jan
Carlsson-Bull for Circle Ministry at First Parish UU Cohasset, MA
Note: See the Circle
Ministry Session Sequence for process guidelines.
Gathering, Welcoming
(2 minutes)
Chalice lighting (1
minute)
Opening reading (1 minute)
What is it to be a friend?
Hear the words of that master of words and ideas and 19th
century Unitarian, Ralph Waldo Emerson, has to offer in his essay on
friendship:
“We have a great deal more kindness
than is ever spoken. Maugre all the
selfishness that chills like east winds the world, the whole human family is
bathed with an element of love like a fine ether. How many persons we meet in houses, whom we
scarcely speak to, whom yet we honor, and who honor us! How many we see in the street, or sit with in
church, whom, though silently, we warmly rejoice to be with! Read the language of these wandering
eye-beams. The heart knoweth.
….I do not wish to treat
friendships daintily, but with roughest courage. When they are real, they are not glass
threads or frost-work, but the solidest thing we know.”
Check-in/Sharing (3-4
minutes@ - 30-40 minutes)
Discussion (60
minutes)
[See Circle Ministry Session Sequence as a reminder of the
structure of this segment.]
First response
Cross-conversation
Concluding statements
Topic: Friendship
What is it to be a friend?
What is a healthy friendship? Why
is such a friendship sometimes hard to sustain?
The
research psychologist, John M. Gottman, has spent over twenty years looking at
the key elements of healthy relationships between spouses, lovers, children,
siblings, colleagues, and friends. In his book, The Relationship Cure, Gottman posits that the most delightful – and volatile – aspect of friendship is
the voluntary nature of it all. Whether
it’s a cup of coffee, a lavish gift, or an offer to stay by your sickbed,
favors from friends are intentional acts of generosity. Friends are not obligated to us by law,
economics, or family bonds. Our friends
turn toward our bids for connection simply because they want to, and that’s
what makes those relationships rewarding.
By the same
token, our friendships often suffer from a lack of time because of all our
other commitments and obligations. So it
often takes a bit of extra effort and creative thought to find opportunities
for turning toward your friends.
Consider in silence for awhile
these questions:
How would you describe the
friendships that have lasted long and that you most value?
What have you learned from
friendships that you initially valued but that didn’t last?
Why do you think Emerson felt
friendships should be treated “with roughest courage?” How does this understanding connect with Gottman’s
claim that “the most delightful – and volatile – aspect of friendship” is its voluntary
nature?”
What experiences can you draw on
that reflect the time you have devoted to your friendships? The imagination?
For our concluding thoughts: How are you a good friend?
Feedback (15 minutes)
Thank the group…. Ask
what they liked and what variations they would hope for.
Closing (1 minute)
Friendship is a spiritual and practical matter. The third century theologian, Eusebius
understood this well:
“....may I be the friend
of that
which is eternal and abides.
....May I
never fail a friend.
May I
respect myself.”
